blondemeditation

ultimately....

i am going to have to make a move which changes my personal life for the better. quick update: i've decided to stay in nyc. i love it here, and although i posted back in the fall about potentially moving back home to buffalo, it's not going to happen. i'm currently getting my masters and things are going pretty well at school, so, i'm not ready to make a move right now.

concerning that 'move' i mentioned: my situation is complicated. i never knew i was a lesbian until i got to college. no, i'm not a 'lug' or anything along those lines, i'm very much a lesbian and i guess my inner lesbian was in hiding throughout my adolescent years. i'm very gay. but, i also have long, blonde hair, i wear make-up, and i paint my nails. i am not in the gay scene in nyc... and i know other lesbians in the world would FREAK if i said that i'm a frustrated lesbian living in ny! the most diverse and as close to accepting place in the world and i can't find a way to meet people and be happy? very strange. my friends are mostly straight, and no one knows i'm gay upon first encounter, so the odds don't really work out in my favor. aside from that....

i'm picky. i'm soooo picky it's not even funny. i hate it when people can't punctuate correctly, or use the correct tense. i have no idea why i feel the need to be so choosey... is it because secretly i'm actually afraid of becoming involved in another relationship that might leave me crushed? i feel like i'm ready. i'm DEFINITELY ready; this i know for sure. so, what is holding me back? i'm not wanting to sound like a sad, sapp who is totally unlucky in love. fact of the matter is that i guess i don't try very hard. i get a lot of straight-girl flirting and am somehow content with that a lot of the time. i guess i'm just totally convinced that what i'm looking for doesn't exist: like allegre in 'jane austin's book club'. someone who is pretty, educated, and normal but not normal at the same time.

i'm an idiot. and will be writing more. i'm sorry i gave up on this community for a while. i've said it before, but i'm back ; )

rach
blondemeditation

broken promises.

i've been breaking promises- ones which i made to myself. i claimed i'd write in this journal regularly, i'd keep up-to-date, and so forth. but, i haven't done that. in part i feel this is due to the fact that livejournal is semi-public. i told myself i didn't care, but when it comes down to it, i guess i feel most comfortable with my true entries being private. i'm going to try not to break my promise, we'll see how it goes....

updates! home was awesome when i was there, and i can't wait to go back for summer. i came out to three more of my friends, and they're totally cool with it. my one friend, who i may have mentioned, is actually gay herself. i told her because i definitely thought she knew. turns out she had no clue.... but i'm glad i told her. i also told her that she had really bad gaydar. bad part, and maybe not necessarily bad.... she's going to tell other people because i just know. i think part of me may have done this on purpose. 

other gay update is that my mom pretty much knows i'm a lesbian. a couple of weeks ago she asked my brother if he thought i was gay. he didn't want to say no, but he also didn't want to tell her because he knows i should be the one to do that. he basically told her he thought the writing was on the wall, and even though she still asked, she pretty much was in denial lol. but, then my brother goes, 'well, what would happen if she brought a girl home? because she's going to eventually if she's gay.' i guess my mom goes, 'well, if that's who she wanted to be with i'd be completely accepting.' HAHA, i'm just picturing the whole scene unfold. i mean, i'm sure she would sooner or later, it would just be really funny initially. then, today on the phone i was talking about how i didn't know where i'd wind up living and blah blah and she goes, 'well, it's better now that you do this rather than later when you're tied down by a husband or partner or whatever.' there's the word again: PARTNER!!! haha if that's not a huge clue, i'm not sure what would be. hysterical. but, i'm scared. 

anyway, about six weeks til i go home again, and about ten until i go for the summer. i'm so pumped.

ps listen to feist i LOVE them!